Bristol Winners

Doesn’t matter what happens, everybody’s a winner at Bristol!
Or top five…



Jack Roush. All three cars in the top 10. Take that, BK Racing!



Danica Patrick. Because it’s funny.

3. Brett Moffit. He was actually in the race. I know, I’m as surprised as you are.

(No picture available)



Kyle Busch. Because when the training wheels come off this guy’s ability to control his emotions like a grown-up, hilarity ensues.

And Bristol’s biggest winner…



Denny Hamlin hates track workers. So he threw his HANS device at one.


Impotency Rankings: Michigan

Somebody cue up the Downward Spiral, these guys suck.

39. Carl Edwards-Finished 23rd. Behind Danica Patrick…and Casey Mears…oh, and David Gililland. I hope he gets fired by tomorrow!

40. My twitter team-I didn’t see any leadership, and we didn’t execute. It’s like some of you don’t even know what a twitter team does!

41. Everybody who got in that wreck that Danica caused. Lol. F*cking losers.

42. Denny Hamlin-Even if he’s not on drugs, he’s still goofy as hell. Let’s kick him out of the sport.

And the worst of the worst…

43. Jimmie Johnson-Drove around like some hillbilly with vise grips for a shifter, then got yelled at by the ogre.


Regular Winners Incredulous At Dinger Win

(In my [garbled] years of covering racing, I’ve never encountered this type of reaction to a win. Not one of these drivers believed AJ Allmendinger had indeed pulled off the victory. -Chip)

Jimmie Johnson: Yeah, I saw him get out of the car and start flailing around and convulsing, just having some sort of fit. I’ll set up a foundation for it when we find out what it is.

Greg Biffle: If I ever win a race, I hope I’m suffering from whatever he’s got.

Jeff Gordon: I don’t know what’s wrong with him.
Chip: He won.
Jeff: I don’t think he did, but-
(Alan Gustafson runs up with a battery)
Alan: (out of breath) I found a third battery.
Alan: Okay, Jeff. (walks away with battery)

Dale Earnhardt Jr: Yeah, man, I saw him jumping around, then he grabbed the checkered flag and started hitting himself. I guess he was being stung by bees.
Chip: Or maybe it was because he won.
Junior: It was the bees.
Chip: (walks away mumbling to himself) Wasn’t any f*cking bees.

Jeremy Mayfield: (outside track fence) Look a that f*ckin’ drug addict. Thinks he won the race.
Shana Mayfield: (screams through fence) METH HEAD! METH HEEEEAAAADDD!


Pocono Impotency Ratings

Dale Jr moves off our loser list this week by winning a race. That’s what you gotta do, f*cking win!

But now to the losers.

38. Kyle Busch- He over-revved the engine, or maybe he put it in reverse, I don’t know. Anyway, he was basically a start-and-park.

39. Jimmie Johnson- I was all set to put Danica here for not being able to avoid a f*cking wall, but Jimmie gets the honors because he didn’t finish his car off the first time, so he just aimed straight at it the second time.

40. Johnny Sauter- Why was even in this race?

41. Carl Edwards- This guy gets worse every week. He finished behind Alex Kennedy. To give you an idea of just how bad that is: no one EVER finishes behind Alex Kennedy.

42. Alex Kennedy. Hey, he beat Carl Edwards.

And the worst driver in the world…

43. Denny Hamlin- The f*ck is wrong with this guy? Anybody know? I swear to God I don’t know what goes through his head. He’s all over the f*cking track, and causes a Talladega-style wreck. He’s worse than Morgan Shephered, for crying out loud. I hope he gets banned.


Indy Impotence Ratings

Welcome to our weekly look at the worst drivers in NASCAR.

39. Dale Earnhardt Jr. -I don’t care where he finished. He had a sh*t car. Even his mom said so.

40. BK Racing -It would be easy to single out Ryan Truex (which is why we’re doing just that) for staying out on track after his car died, but Alex Bowman only finished one place ahead of him, and his car was still running.
Frankly, we’re surprised BK Racing is this high in the ratings. We don’t expect it to last.

41. Kasey Kahne -Sure he finished 6th, but he should have won the race. Another driver did that earlier this year, can’t remember who it was, so we’re blaming Kahne for that one also. Which means he’s done it twice.

42. Car Edwards -Told Jack Roush he was going to win this race, and then he didn’t. F*ckin’ liar.

And now, the absolute worst driver of the week…

43. Juan Pablo Montoya -Remember when he quit NASCAR because he couldn’t win? He should do that again.


Age? Okay. But Stupidity And Incompetency Too.

The world hasn’t seen this type of overreaction since you fainted at a Beatles concert. I guess you’re just that type.
Here are the facts: Joey Logano crowded Morgan Shepherd going into the turn, took the air off his car, and caused Shepherd to spin into him. Clearly Logano’s fault.
This happens to Trevor Bayne every week. Every. F*cking. Week. But nobody’s calling for the guys who wreck him to leave the sport.
Shepherd, however, has had the misfortune of living a long time, and, thus, is susceptible to the sturm and drang of hysterical ageists calling for for his banishment, crucifixion, and evisceration. I hope I’m not overstating that.
But why? Why are so many calling for Shepherd to be banned? Because he’s dangerous?
Well, then why wasn’t everybody calling for Kevin LePage to be banned when he came off pit road and drove straight into the entire field? I mean, they were only doing 200 mph, so maybe not dangerous enough?
Why wasn’t everyone calling for Michael Waltrip to be banned when he came off pit road and drove straight into the f*cking wall? Straight into it! He didn’t even have a good reason!
And why wasn’t everyone calling for Tony Stewart to be banned when he tried to block Michael Waltrip (you can’t make this stuff up) and wrecked the entire f*ckkng field…at 200 mph?!
It’s okay to be stupid and incompetent, but not old?
Some are pointing out that Shepherd was off the pace. Hey, there’s a whole group of drivers, one quarter of Shepherd’s age, who are off the pace every week. That’s why they’re always getting lapped!
There’s also a whole a group of drivers wrecking every week. If you want names, ask Danica Patrick who they are. She’s always complaining about them.
Some are worried (the little old lady types) that Shepherd’s age gives a bad impression of NASCAR, and hurts it’s credibility. Are you kidding me?! Are we still operating under the delusion that the stick-and-ball sports media will ever respect NASCAR?! When has that ever happened?
The bottom line is, it was just one them racing deals.
Unless that’s an unpopular opinion. In which case: BAN MORGAN SHEPHERD!


Overheard: New Hampshire


Joey Logano: Who wrecked me?!

Morgan Shepherd: Who crowded me?!

Rodney Childers: You’re out of gas.
Kevin Harvick: (low and sad) You guys can’t even count.


Danica Patrick: I’m not the worst driver out here!