SHR Team Meeting: Atlanta

(Danica, firesuit on, arms crossed, standing in front of Tony’s desk; Kevin and Kurt enter)

Danica: SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!
Kurt: We weren’t saying anything.
Danica: But now you are! Why is it always you, Busch?! *eyeballs him* Yeah, I’m eyeballing you! What are you gonna do about it?! You gonna do something about it?!
Kurt: I’m not gonna fight you.
Danica: Yeah, ’cause I’d f*cking kill you!
Kevin: Can we get on with this?
Danica: Oh, I’m sorry are we…*holding you up?* Hahahahaha!
Kurt: Hahahahaha!
Danica: Do you have somewhere to go?
Kurt: Like…*to the front?*
Danica: HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Kurt: HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Kevin: You guys are idiots.
Kurt: You mean like…*Paul Menard?* Hahahahaha!
Kevin: Yeah, that’s exactly what I mean.
Danica: That makes sense. (to Kurt) Hey, do that thing where noise stops coming out of your pie hole.
Kurt: *shuts up*
Danica: Alright, let’s get this meeting started. Kevin, you won the race-excuse me, *should have* won the race, but you came in 32nd.
Kevin: 19th.
Danica: Yeah, like there’s a f*cking difference. And Busch, you came in 13th. Tell me how that feels.
Kurt: Well-
Danica: Don’t care! ‘Cause I came in 6th! Oh yeah! (turns around, bends over and starts shaking her butt at them) 🎶FUNK SOUL BROTHER, CHECK IT OUT NOW! FUNK SOUL BROTHER, CHECK IT OUT NOW! THAT’S MY BUTT, LOOK AT MY BUTT!🎶
(Rodney Childers comes in)
Danica: 🎶FUNK SOUL BROTHER, CHECK IT OUT NOW!🎶 (sees Childers) Oh, I’m glad you came in.
Childers: Well, I heard the music.
Danica: Here. (Hands him a 3×5 card)
Childers: What’s this?
Danica: It’s a 3×5 card, you idiot.
Childers: Right, but what’s on it?
Danica: Um, words and sh*t.
Childers: Okay, but what does it mean?
Danica: Well, what I did was write down the definition of a pit crew. And I drew a picture so you’d know what one looks like.
Childers: Oh. I get it.
Danica: Goot, then you’re free to get the f*ck out.
(He leaves)
Danica: Now, where was I? Oh, yeah. (Starts shaking her butt again) 🎶FUNK SOUL BROTHER, CHECK IT OUT NOW!🎶
Kurt: (to Kevin) I feel awkward and uncomfortable.
Danica: 🎶…SOUL BROTHER…🎶
Kevin: You mean right now, or all the time?
Danica: 🎶…6TH PLACE, 6TH PLACE…🎶
Kurt: Right now especially.
Danica: (Slaps her butt) 🎶WOO! WOO!🎶
Kevin: This is so stupid.
Kurt: I don’t have a number ready. Do you?
Danica: 🎶WOO! (slap) WOO! (slap)🎶

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Biggest Losers: Atlanta

Lots of losers at Atlanta. Let’s get started.

39. All 37 drivers who finished behind Danica Patrick. HAHAHAHA! F*cking losers.

40. Kevin Harvick. Can’t tell the difference between a cat and a f*cking squirrel.

41. Rodney Childers. Because he lost that tweet. Oh wait, I found it for him.

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42. BK Racing. You know how you do something a lot, you learn and get better at it? Not BK Racing. They’re as lost and clueless as they were at the beginning of the year. What’s the racing equivalent of community college?

43. Kyle Busch. Things are going so bad for him, he’s now feuding with one of the Truexes.

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Bristol Winners

Doesn’t matter what happens, everybody’s a winner at Bristol!
Or top five…

5.

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Jack Roush. All three cars in the top 10. Take that, BK Racing!

4.

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Danica Patrick. Because it’s funny.

3. Brett Moffit. He was actually in the race. I know, I’m as surprised as you are.

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2.

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Kyle Busch. Because when the training wheels come off this guy’s ability to control his emotions like a grown-up, hilarity ensues.

And Bristol’s biggest winner…

1.

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Denny Hamlin hates track workers. So he threw his HANS device at one.

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Impotency Rankings: Michigan

Somebody cue up the Downward Spiral, these guys suck.

39. Carl Edwards-Finished 23rd. Behind Danica Patrick…and Casey Mears…oh, and David Gililland. I hope he gets fired by tomorrow!

40. My twitter team-I didn’t see any leadership, and we didn’t execute. It’s like some of you don’t even know what a twitter team does!

41. Everybody who got in that wreck that Danica caused. Lol. F*cking losers.

42. Denny Hamlin-Even if he’s not on drugs, he’s still goofy as hell. Let’s kick him out of the sport.

And the worst of the worst…

43. Jimmie Johnson-Drove around like some hillbilly with vise grips for a shifter, then got yelled at by the ogre.

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Regular Winners Incredulous At Dinger Win

(In my [garbled] years of covering racing, I’ve never encountered this type of reaction to a win. Not one of these drivers believed AJ Allmendinger had indeed pulled off the victory. -Chip)

Jimmie Johnson: Yeah, I saw him get out of the car and start flailing around and convulsing, just having some sort of fit. I’ll set up a foundation for it when we find out what it is.

Greg Biffle: If I ever win a race, I hope I’m suffering from whatever he’s got.

Jeff Gordon: I don’t know what’s wrong with him.
Chip: He won.
Jeff: I don’t think he did, but-
(Alan Gustafson runs up with a battery)
Alan: (out of breath) I found a third battery.
Jeff: THE RACE IS OVER, ALAN! IT’S TOO F*CKING LATE!
Alan: Okay, Jeff. (walks away with battery)

Dale Earnhardt Jr: Yeah, man, I saw him jumping around, then he grabbed the checkered flag and started hitting himself. I guess he was being stung by bees.
Chip: Or maybe it was because he won.
Junior: It was the bees.
Chip: (walks away mumbling to himself) Wasn’t any f*cking bees.

Jeremy Mayfield: (outside track fence) Look a that f*ckin’ drug addict. Thinks he won the race.
Shana Mayfield: (screams through fence) METH HEAD! METH HEEEEAAAADDD!

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Pocono Impotency Ratings

Dale Jr moves off our loser list this week by winning a race. That’s what you gotta do, f*cking win!

But now to the losers.

38. Kyle Busch- He over-revved the engine, or maybe he put it in reverse, I don’t know. Anyway, he was basically a start-and-park.

39. Jimmie Johnson- I was all set to put Danica here for not being able to avoid a f*cking wall, but Jimmie gets the honors because he didn’t finish his car off the first time, so he just aimed straight at it the second time.

40. Johnny Sauter- Why was even in this race?

41. Carl Edwards- This guy gets worse every week. He finished behind Alex Kennedy. To give you an idea of just how bad that is: no one EVER finishes behind Alex Kennedy.

42. Alex Kennedy. Hey, he beat Carl Edwards.

And the worst driver in the world…

43. Denny Hamlin- The f*ck is wrong with this guy? Anybody know? I swear to God I don’t know what goes through his head. He’s all over the f*cking track, and causes a Talladega-style wreck. He’s worse than Morgan Shephered, for crying out loud. I hope he gets banned.

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Indy Impotence Ratings

Welcome to our weekly look at the worst drivers in NASCAR.

39. Dale Earnhardt Jr. -I don’t care where he finished. He had a sh*t car. Even his mom said so.

40. BK Racing -It would be easy to single out Ryan Truex (which is why we’re doing just that) for staying out on track after his car died, but Alex Bowman only finished one place ahead of him, and his car was still running.
Frankly, we’re surprised BK Racing is this high in the ratings. We don’t expect it to last.

41. Kasey Kahne -Sure he finished 6th, but he should have won the race. Another driver did that earlier this year, can’t remember who it was, so we’re blaming Kahne for that one also. Which means he’s done it twice.

42. Car Edwards -Told Jack Roush he was going to win this race, and then he didn’t. F*ckin’ liar.

And now, the absolute worst driver of the week…

43. Juan Pablo Montoya -Remember when he quit NASCAR because he couldn’t win? He should do that again.

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