Indy Impotence Ratings

Welcome to our weekly look at the worst drivers in NASCAR.

39. Dale Earnhardt Jr. -I don’t care where he finished. He had a sh*t car. Even his mom said so.

40. BK Racing -It would be easy to single out Ryan Truex (which is why we’re doing just that) for staying out on track after his car died, but Alex Bowman only finished one place ahead of him, and his car was still running.
Frankly, we’re surprised BK Racing is this high in the ratings. We don’t expect it to last.

41. Kasey Kahne -Sure he finished 6th, but he should have won the race. Another driver did that earlier this year, can’t remember who it was, so we’re blaming Kahne for that one also. Which means he’s done it twice.

42. Car Edwards -Told Jack Roush he was going to win this race, and then he didn’t. F*ckin’ liar.

And now, the absolute worst driver of the week…

43. Juan Pablo Montoya -Remember when he quit NASCAR because he couldn’t win? He should do that again.

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Age? Okay. But Stupidity And Incompetency Too.

The world hasn’t seen this type of overreaction since you fainted at a Beatles concert. I guess you’re just that type.
Here are the facts: Joey Logano crowded Morgan Shepherd going into the turn, took the air off his car, and caused Shepherd to spin into him. Clearly Logano’s fault.
This happens to Trevor Bayne every week. Every. F*cking. Week. But nobody’s calling for the guys who wreck him to leave the sport.
Shepherd, however, has had the misfortune of living a long time, and, thus, is susceptible to the sturm and drang of hysterical ageists calling for for his banishment, crucifixion, and evisceration. I hope I’m not overstating that.
But why? Why are so many calling for Shepherd to be banned? Because he’s dangerous?
Well, then why wasn’t everybody calling for Kevin LePage to be banned when he came off pit road and drove straight into the entire field? I mean, they were only doing 200 mph, so maybe not dangerous enough?
Why wasn’t everyone calling for Michael Waltrip to be banned when he came off pit road and drove straight into the f*cking wall? Straight into it! He didn’t even have a good reason!
And why wasn’t everyone calling for Tony Stewart to be banned when he tried to block Michael Waltrip (you can’t make this stuff up) and wrecked the entire f*ckkng field…at 200 mph?!
It’s okay to be stupid and incompetent, but not old?
Some are pointing out that Shepherd was off the pace. Hey, there’s a whole group of drivers, one quarter of Shepherd’s age, who are off the pace every week. That’s why they’re always getting lapped!
There’s also a whole a group of drivers wrecking every week. If you want names, ask Danica Patrick who they are. She’s always complaining about them.
Some are worried (the little old lady types) that Shepherd’s age gives a bad impression of NASCAR, and hurts it’s credibility. Are you kidding me?! Are we still operating under the delusion that the stick-and-ball sports media will ever respect NASCAR?! When has that ever happened?
The bottom line is, it was just one them racing deals.
Unless that’s an unpopular opinion. In which case: BAN MORGAN SHEPHERD!

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Overheard: New Hampshire

Jimmie Johnson: BOOM! JIMMIE JOHNSON! LEFT REAR!

Joey Logano: Who wrecked me?!

Morgan Shepherd: Who crowded me?!

Rodney Childers: You’re out of gas.
Kevin Harvick: (low and sad) You guys can’t even count.

Jimmie Johnson: BOOM! JIMMIE JOHNSON! LEFT F*CKING REAR AGAIN! AGAIN!

Danica Patrick: I’m not the worst driver out here!

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One Question: Rob Kauffman

(Rob Kauffman and Chip Andretti sit opposite each other)

Chip Andretti: *stares at him*
Rob Kauffman: *wonders what’s going on*
CA: *gets up, starts running his hand above Kauffman’s head*
RK: What are you doing?
CA: Looking for the strings Andy Petree’s pulling.
RK: *scoffs*
CA: What the f*ck are you guys up to?!
RK: We’re not ‘up to’ anything. As I’ve explained before, we’re simply setting ourselves up to work together to reduce costs and better the sport. There’s no hidden agenda here.
CA: Bullsh*t!
RK: Pardon me?
CA: I didn’t just fall off the single malt Scotch truck.
RK: Isn’t it turnip truck?
CA: Same thing! Listen, if I see nine scared millionaires having a secret meeting, I know they’re talking about robbing a bank.
RK: Well, I assure you, that’s not the case here. As I’ve stated, we’d like to reduce travel costs, insurance costs, and parts costs.
CA: You coulda joined Groupon and done all that!
RK: Well, you can’t join Groupon and grow the sport.
CA: What do you know about the sport? You’ve already admitted you aren’t familiar with the Wood brothers or Bruton Smith.
RK: *waits nervously for Andy Petree to pull his strings*
CA: Well? Don’t just sit there and wait for Andy’s Petree to pull your strings.
RK: (unconvincingly) I assure you that’s not what I’m doing.
CA: How does setting up an exclusive club better the sport?
RK: I wouldn’t call it ‘exclusive.’
CA: Oh. Well then maybe you should stop excluding people…who built the sport!
RK: *forehead starts sweating*
CA: TV money. Go!
RK: Not even on our radar.
CA: You lie! That tv money is just one big, delicious, eight billion dollar carrot for you guys.
RK: That’s not even on our agenda.
CA: Right. And a vodka martini isn’t on mine. And we both know that’s a lie. Let’s just skip ahead, shall we. What do you plan to do once you’ve ruined the sport?
RK: Retire. Maybe set up a Ponzi scheme. Bilk old ladies out of their retirement funds.
CA: That was out loud, you know. (pause) How do you get the pupils of your eyes to look like dollar signs?
RK: It’s a trick. Roger Penske showed me how to do it.

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RTA: First Meeting

(NASCAR’s most powerful car owners are seated on metal folding chairs facing a podium at which Andy Petree is standing)

Andy Petree: Okay, I think it’s time we bring this historic first meeting to order.
Jack Roush: (to Roger Penske) Did you have a deviled egg? They’re good.
Roger Penske: I did.
AP: Guys, please settle down. Okay, first off, I think we should all thank Joe Gibbs for bringing the deviled eggs.
All: *round of applause*
AP: Also, after the meeting, we’ll be having M&Ms. They’ll be on that table over there.
(Everybody turns and looks a table in the back of the room. There’s a bowl on it)
AP: Okay, so what I thought we’d do is just go around the room and introduce ourselves.
Chip Andretti: (to himself) Oh, sh*t.
AP: We’ll just start over here to my right. Go ahead.
Richard Childress: I’m Richard Childress. (Waves)
AP: Good to see you, Richard. But remember, after tonight, only use your code name.
Rick Hendrick: Rick Hendrick.
AP: Rick. (looking at Chip Andretti) And I’m sorry, I don’t recognize you.
Chip Andretti: *starts sweating*
JR: (looks over at Chip Andretti, then back at Petree) Oh, you damn fool! That’s Phil Parsons!
AP: …Okay…Welcome aboard Phil…
Phil: *nods*
(Door opens in back of room, Tony Stewart pokes his head in)
Tony Stewart: Is this the owners meeting?
Gene Haas: REAL OWNERS ONLY!
Joe Gibbs: GET THE F*CK OUT!
(Tony closes the door, steps back into hallway)
Danica: Wha’d they say?
Tony: They said get the f*ck out.
Danica: (nods) That’s probably what I would’ve said too.
(Back inside)
AP: Okay, who’s next?
RH: Can we just get on with it? We all know each other.
JR: Nobody knew Phil.
RH: Yeah, but other than Phil, we all know each other.
AP: Alright then, we’ll forge ahead. What does Brian France have that we all want?
Chip Ganassi: High-priced call girls!
(Everybody looks at him)
AP: Okay, sure, high-priced call girls, but what else?
CG: Who cares!
AP: Money.
(General murmuring)
AP: That’s right. And not just regular money, but…TV money.
(Louder murmuring)
RC: That’s the best kind of money.
AP: That’s right, it is. Now how do we get some of his tv money?
Penske: Pay some thieves to break into his house one night and steal it.
AP: No…we make him give it to us.
RH: This plan sucks. Why is he in charge anyway?
JR: Why would he give it to us? Are we gonna set up a charity? : Petty: We already are a charity. We own race cars.
(General nodding of heads)
AP: No, we’re gonna flex our muscle.
JG: (raises his hand) What muscle?
JR: Yeah, what muscle?
AP: Your drivers.
Penske: My drives don’t have any muscles. Skinny sh*ts.
AP: But they have popularity.
RC: Not mine.
AP: Well, most of them have popularity, and that’s like a muscle. So, what we do is leverage that popularity. We tell him to give us part of that tv money, or we walk.
Penske: This rings a bell.
JR: A good bell?
Penske: No, a bad bell.
RC: How bad?
Penske: CART bad.
JR: That really happened? I thought that was just a myth.
Penske: No, it was real. (Has a vision of a building imploding and falling in upon itself, then catching on fire, then falling into the earth)
CG: We should just take France’s first offer. The hookers.
RC: And just who’s gonna tell France we want that money?
JR: How about Phil?
CG: What if he just takes the hookers, and we don’t get any money?
JR: Phil wouldn’t do that.
Phil: I might.
RH: How ’bout that guy? (Points at Rob Kauffman)
RC: Who the hell is he?
JR: *looks at Kauffman* No idea.
Penske: I say we throw him under the bus.
AP: All in favor?
All: Aye.
AP: Go get our money!

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SHR: Unscheduled Metting

(Danica is sitting behind Tony’s desk. There is a line of people out the door)

Danica: Name and what you do here.
Jimmy: Jimmy. Tire guy.
Danica: You’re fired. Get the f*ck out. Sign this. (Pushes a piece of paper in front of him, he signs it). She reaches behind her into a pile of old games) Please accept this severance package. (Hands him a game)
Jimmy: Battleship. It’s not even new. The box is all beat up.
Danica: Hours of fun. NEXT!
(Another guys steps up to the desk)
Danica: Name and what you do here.
(Tony Stewart walks in)
Tony: Why is everybody who works here lined up in my office?
Danica: Because I sent out an email to everybody who works here telling them to line up in your office.
Tony: What are you doing?
Danica: Firing everybody.
Tony: You can’t fire everybody.
Danica: You can if you try real hard. (Turns back to the guy in line) Name and what you do here.
Ken: Ken, fabricator.
Danica: You’re fired, Ken. Sign here and get the f*ck out.
Ken: What’s this?
Danica: It just says you agree to get the f*ck out.
Ken: Where?
Danica: Right here. (Points at the fine print)
Ken: (leans down really close to the paper to read it) Oh, yeah. (signs it)
Danica: Please accept this severance package. (Hands him a game)
Ken: Candy Land?
Danica: Dont like it? FABRICATE YOUR OWN F*CKING GAME THEN! NOW GET THE F*CK OUT!
(He leaves)
Danica: (to Tony) See? Easy.
Tony: (sees Kurt in line) Kurt! Why are you in line?
Kurt: Got an email.
Tony: Get out of line!
Danica: GET BACK IN LINE!
Tony: You can’t do this.
Danica: NEXT! Name and what you do here.
Gibson: Tony Gibson, I’m your crew chief.
Danica: Well, now you’re fired. Sign here and get the f*ck out.
Gibson: I’m not signing anything.
Danica: Then just get the f*ck out. Oh, and please accept this severance package. (Hands him a game)
Gibson: Monopoly? (Looks inside box) There’s no thimble.
Danica: But there is a racecar. And that’ll remind you of the day I fired you and you had to get the f*ck out. It’s all bout memories.
(Kevin gets in line behind Kurt)
Kevin: What’s going on?
Kurt: They’re giving away games.

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Overheard At Sonoma

(Jimmie Johnson approaches Sam Hornish, and stands next to him. Sam turns a little bit away)

JJ: Hey, Sam.
SH: (stares off into the distance) Hey.
JJ: I feel good about my chances this weekend.
SH: Really?!
JJ: (surprised) well…yeah…
SH: You ever win the Indy 500?
JJ: No.
SH: I have.
JJ: (Still taken aback) Yeah, I know…
SH: (counts on his fingers) Me, AJ Foyt, Mario Andretti, me….
JJ: (sheepishly) Alright, Sam. I’ll talk to you later. (Walks away)
SH: ( mutters to himself) Yeah, boom confetti, motherf*cker.

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