(NASCAR’s most powerful car owners are seated on metal folding chairs facing a podium at which Andy Petree is standing)
Andy Petree: Okay, I think it’s time we bring this historic first meeting to order.
Jack Roush: (to Roger Penske) Did you have a deviled egg? They’re good.
Roger Penske: I did.
AP: Guys, please settle down. Okay, first off, I think we should all thank Joe Gibbs for bringing the deviled eggs.
All: *round of applause*
AP: Also, after the meeting, we’ll be having M&Ms. They’ll be on that table over there.
(Everybody turns and looks a table in the back of the room. There’s a bowl on it)
AP: Okay, so what I thought we’d do is just go around the room and introduce ourselves.
Chip Andretti: (to himself) Oh, sh*t.
AP: We’ll just start over here to my right. Go ahead.
Richard Childress: I’m Richard Childress. (Waves)
AP: Good to see you, Richard. But remember, after tonight, only use your code name.
Rick Hendrick: Rick Hendrick.
AP: Rick. (looking at Chip Andretti) And I’m sorry, I don’t recognize you.
Chip Andretti: *starts sweating*
JR: (looks over at Chip Andretti, then back at Petree) Oh, you damn fool! That’s Phil Parsons!
AP: …Okay…Welcome aboard Phil…
(Door opens in back of room, Tony Stewart pokes his head in)
Tony Stewart: Is this the owners meeting?
Gene Haas: REAL OWNERS ONLY!
Joe Gibbs: GET THE F*CK OUT!
(Tony closes the door, steps back into hallway)
Danica: Wha’d they say?
Tony: They said get the f*ck out.
Danica: (nods) That’s probably what I would’ve said too.
AP: Okay, who’s next?
RH: Can we just get on with it? We all know each other.
JR: Nobody knew Phil.
RH: Yeah, but other than Phil, we all know each other.
AP: Alright then, we’ll forge ahead. What does Brian France have that we all want?
Chip Ganassi: High-priced call girls!
(Everybody looks at him)
AP: Okay, sure, high-priced call girls, but what else?
CG: Who cares!
AP: That’s right. And not just regular money, but…TV money.
RC: That’s the best kind of money.
AP: That’s right, it is. Now how do we get some of his tv money?
Penske: Pay some thieves to break into his house one night and steal it.
AP: No…we make him give it to us.
RH: This plan sucks. Why is he in charge anyway?
JR: Why would he give it to us? Are we gonna set up a charity? : Petty: We already are a charity. We own race cars.
(General nodding of heads)
AP: No, we’re gonna flex our muscle.
JG: (raises his hand) What muscle?
JR: Yeah, what muscle?
AP: Your drivers.
Penske: My drives don’t have any muscles. Skinny sh*ts.
AP: But they have popularity.
RC: Not mine.
AP: Well, most of them have popularity, and that’s like a muscle. So, what we do is leverage that popularity. We tell him to give us part of that tv money, or we walk.
Penske: This rings a bell.
JR: A good bell?
Penske: No, a bad bell.
RC: How bad?
Penske: CART bad.
JR: That really happened? I thought that was just a myth.
Penske: No, it was real. (Has a vision of a building imploding and falling in upon itself, then catching on fire, then falling into the earth)
CG: We should just take France’s first offer. The hookers.
RC: And just who’s gonna tell France we want that money?
JR: How about Phil?
CG: What if he just takes the hookers, and we don’t get any money?
JR: Phil wouldn’t do that.
Phil: I might.
RH: How ’bout that guy? (Points at Rob Kauffman)
RC: Who the hell is he?
JR: *looks at Kauffman* No idea.
Penske: I say we throw him under the bus.
AP: All in favor?
AP: Go get our money!